Hey!
Yeah, I’m back, finally. Got a backlog of what seems like a million posts. And damn, this place needed some editing.
Between working out 3 hours a day and then interning for the next 11 hours, it’s a surprise I’ve managed to stay alive.
But hey, I’m here now, the all “new and improved” me, and life’s been awesome lately :-D
Speaking of internships, I need to travel over 38Kms everyday, to and fro from office.
That, mixed with a couple of recent accidents my friends have been having on the road, which I still laugh about, made me think that people require some sort of guide, when it comes to handling the roads in Mumbai.
We shall do this point-wise, to emphasise as to “what” can/will kill you “how”. So here goes nothing –
1.Lane Rules, wait, what? -
Lane rules in India, well, is pretty much like the concept of family planning in, well, India. It’s unheard of.
While riding/driving in Mumbai(including the highways), you must ALWAYS assume the doped assclown in the vehicle in front of you, is your enemy, and he wants to kill you.
No matter how much you honk, and let him know you exist, he will swerve to your lane, just when you’ve decided it’s safe to overtake.
So, think 10 times, observe the body language of the driver in front, and THEN make your move.
2. The Lady-Driver factor –
At the cost of sounding like a “male-chauvinistic-pig”, I’d like to just put it out there. Something all men know.
Women can do everything in today’s day and age. But, driving, nah-uh.
So, when you see a woman driver in any vehicle near you, one MUST assume that she is putting on her eye-liner looking at the rear-view mirror, and her side-view mirrors are mere accessories she got free with the car.
One must ALSO assume, that, on panicking, she will floor the accelerator, instead of the clutch/brake. Which means, after hitting you, she will run you over, multiple times, and drag your carcass for quite some distance until she hits something and kills herself, finally bringing the car to a halt.
So, when you see a woman driver, either you get to a higher gear and rip you sorry ass out of her sight or give her the right of way and reach your destination successfully, and alive.
3. The Auto-rickshaw factor -
These are the generic, but low powered “tuk-tuks”. With 3 wheels the same size as the wheels of a tricycle I had when I was, well, 3, a turning radius of almost zero and equally retarded drivers, make these the perfect little accident causing suicidal machines.
When you see a rickshaw at the side of the road you’re driving on, ALWAYS assume, that it WILL turn at a 90degree angle right in front of you, at the last minute where you cannot avoid a collision.
You may however feel better knowing the fact that the rickshaw would probably never start again, and the driver’s probably dead.
4. Jay-walkers –
No, We do actually have footpaths/sidewalks in India. Just that, over here we call them Shop-extensions.
The most annoying little creatures we have to share our roads with, the jay walkers.
What makes it worse is that people seem to think it’s their birth-right to walk right in front of your moving vehicle, and stand there. They almost KNOW you will brake to a complete halt from blistering speeds, and they’re willing to take the risk.
So, when you see somebody at the side of the road, looking to cross, and it seems like he/she’s giving you the right of way, ASSUME that they will at some point jump in front of your vehicle in suicidal fashion.
I’m still confused about the correct suggestion for this issue, ‘cuz my “heart” says, let them live, my brain yells, “Kill the stupid mother)(#)$*+!”
5. Traffic “Pandu” Police effect –
Very similar to the jay-walkers. Just that these obnoxious jokes for human-beings are usually in hiding, most often behind a parked car, or a tree at the side of the road, waiting for you to break a traffic light, or to catch you without your helmet/seat belt, etc. They charge, unofficially ofcourse, anything from 100 to 1000 bucks to let you go.
It’s funny how they get into your pyche as for those of us who are lucky enough to spot em at a distance, we brake, we brake hard to put on the things we don’t, not caring if our 1yr old baby without the seat-belt goes flying through the windshield in case of a car, or your best friend on the bike gets launched over your head, just to save a 100 bucks and 20 minutes of time.
So, if you see a “pandu” at the side of the road, just put a gear down, and don’t let him catch you. It’s highly unlikely that he will even attempt to make an attempt to catch you, being so physically fit and all. It’s funny, now that I think about it, they can probably roll faster than they can run.
6. Instant-Combustion –
Yeah, it is exactly like what it sounds.
There are a few vehicles on our roads, including the rickshaws that are so well engineered, that they instantly go up in flames while standing at a traffic light/parking lots.
It’s probably the CNG tanks in them, but who cares, its funny when it happens.
So, when you see a rickshaw standing next to you at a traffic light, suddenly go up in flames, and the driver runs out for his life with his ass half ablaze, you must ALWAYS get out of your car, point at him and laugh. Also record a video of it and put it on Youtube.
Get these things in your head, and your good to go.
Cheers, Drive safe.
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