Those Awkward Moments I

Weddings.

I’m sure we’ve all been to a kazillion different weddings. It may have been a friend’s, or a friend’s sibling’s, or your own siblings’ or in this particular case, somebody you’ve never seen before in your life but find yourself there because of your parents.

See now that, that takes things to a whole different level of awkward as in time you realise your mother’s going to drag you up to the stage for one picture with the obviously tired newly-weds who by now regret having this function all together which will be lost in millions of pictures which will be made into a cheesy CD along with other cheesier couple portfolio pictures as the vinyl on the CD.

I mean, what are you supposed to say to the couple, neither of whom you’ve never seen before? “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, you’re getting married, so free food maybe?”

It's alright if they end with one grand function, like it does in the west. But in India, it has to be a weeklong affair for some reason. Yup, contrary to popular western belief Indian weddings do not just include a laptop and a goat (it still does in some parts, I guess). But generally, it’s an extravagant affair which encompasses customs like mehandi, sangeet, reception, some other little poojas, then the marriage itself and in some customs, another reception.

I love it, to be honest with you, the whole concept of it.

I get it if its’ your own wedding, or a relatives’. But what in the holy hell do you do in some random persons’ “special day”?

All the non-Indians reading this, I’ll let you in on one thing, the quality of the food you feed to the number of people indicates how well to do your family is. So, it’s a competition, essentially, every wedding is planned to out-do any other wedding they might’ve been to.

So, basically, after the 10 minutes people spend reaching the stage and congratulating the lucky couple, they sit around worrying about who’ll get the free food first. I don’t blame them, completely anyway, I mean, what else do you have to do sitting around?

Also, the chairs, ever wondered why there are chairs spread out in the reception hall when people are going to stand in a line as long as the river Nile to get into that one picture your mother drags you to anyway?

It’s like a giant line at the grocery store. You just need to show your face, check in your items (in this case your gift, in most Indian weddings, these include exorbitant flower bouquets or shiny envelopes with large currency notes jutting out), and get to the other side to your car. Just that unlike the grocery store, before you get to your car, you go through a lavish banquet showcasing all types of cuisines which you get to eat, for completely free.

It’s pretty much like a song from a generic Bollywood movie. There is a female lead, a male lead, and 500 others who have menial or no significance to the story. And yet they all dance around a tree in a field just ‘cuz the leads are doing it.

Okay, I might come across being an Anti-Indian custom prick, but no, I’m Indian, I’m proud to be one. As I said, I love it, I love the concept of it, but I’d rather go watch a generic Bollywood movie than sit through random people’s weddings. You can walk out in the middle of a movie!

This was just one of the many awkward moments, hence the “I”, you learn to deal with being an India. We lot are the most socially prepared. We go through SO much all our lives that nothing really affects us after a point.

The other installments to this one are ready, to be edited, or still being written.

I apologise as I’ve been so disconnected lately, it’s like I’m Academia’s little bitch, with assignments, presentations, brown-nosing the professors so that they would not fuck me over just because they can and fuck knows what else I’m supposed to be doing “in order to have a better future” :-|.

I will try my best to be more active on here. And please, oh please, If you have, or are planning to have children, let them be hobos, but do not let them do Engineering from Mumbai University, India, ‘cuz well, it’s the same thing, just worse.

Cheers.

Bollywood Feat. Munni and Sheila

Bollywood. The word that has become synonymous with India, along with some other words viz. chaos, unemployment and population explosion.

Bollywood is the front-runner in the group of Indian Movie Industries, including Kollywood( Kannada), Tollywood(Tamil) and The Bengali Industry.

Yes, Bollywood is like a factory, vomiting movies with weak, family-oriented, over-dramatized scripts and an unusual amount of songs.

And yes, Bollywood does in fact consist of songs with ridiculous music, outrageous lyrics and a horde of ugly people moving their bodies at bizarre angles around trees, which they call dancing.

Bollywood has a glorious history, achieved its “Golden Age” during the 40s and 50s, after Independence. This period included a number of gems in the now tarnished crown of Bollywood viz. Pyaasa, kaagaz ke phool, also the epics Mother India and Mughal-e-azam, making remakes of which the existing crop of “film-makers” earn their bread n’ butter.

So, Why “ now tarnished” crown?

Because, Bollywood is like the faulty MIGs in the Indian Air-Force, without engines, spiralling out of control and the “Eject Seat” mechanism has been jammed due to use of low-quality raw-materials.

It has degraded from “Mother India” to “Kraazzy 4”, from “Mughal-e-azam” to “Faltu” and from “Awaara” to “Julie”.

And that was just in terms of scripts.

Bollywood, has gone from the exquisitely written songs of the yesteryears’ like “Kuch toh log kahenge” to

“Munni badnaam hui, darling tere liye,

Main Zandu balm hui, darling tere liye,

Main atom bomb hui, darling tere liye”

From “Jis Des mein Ganga behti hain” to

“Sheila, Sheila ki jawaani,

I’m too sexy for you,

Main tere haath na aani,

NONONONONO, Sheila!“

The de-evolution is evident for all to see.

There are a few promising ones over the years too, viz. Rang de Basanti, a beautiful interpretation of the youth, Being Cyrus, which is endearingly twisted, A Wednesday, Naseeruddin Shah and Anupam Kher, enough said, Ishquiya, was a breath of fresh air and Omkara, a rather successful adaptation of Othello.

Producers and Production companies need to encourage such scripts, provide a platform for such movies and movie-makers to showcase their abilities and not dismiss certain scripts just because they do not appeal “commercially”.

The public need to grow up, for one, and TRY to acquire a good taste in movies and music. It’s ultimately the public’s fault that these production houses churn out such disgraceful movies every week.

It’s a case of uniform degradation of quality(refer to the previous post about human de-evolution), as they degrade, so do their tastes, they with the money-minded boneheads who give them what they “desire”, have bungled the “movie-going” experience for the rest of us.

So, next time, before you ask me to go for some Hindi movie with you, remember that, I’d rather jump off a a boat in the middle of an ocean with a boulder tied to my feet.